So, the Daily Prompt yesterday got me thinking .. what role does faith play in my life? A gut reaction is it doesn’t. I don’t really think about it. The only things that I put my faith in tend to be random uncaring objects and events (if I cross the road before the yellow car passes me, then I’ll get the job). Am I the only person who does this? Besides, I don’t even do this so often anymore. It’s an acting relic, gone but not forgotten.
Anyhow, I think yellow car syndrome belongs to the realm of superstition, hokum, old wives etc etc unless of course they miraculously work, in which case they become ‘a ritual’, like boxers doing their gloves up in a particular way or composers eating a specific brand of mint before they take to the stage. But this debases ritual, doesn’t it? Ritual is something mystic, informed perhaps, sacrosanct. I think people who say they have rituals ‘pre-performance’ actually have ‘habituals’ in the cold light of day. Bloody luvvies.
But before I disappear up my own behind entirely, let me ponder on my faith or lack of it. What do I have faith in? I’m baffled. It’s not a God. Okay, I called Him or Her or Them some pretty horrific names when dad died, but in truth I haven’t really done the legwork (churchgoing, meditating, observing) to use the Great Holy as a punching bag. Christmas is a purely food based event in my house.
Honestly, I envy people who have faith. They have a purpose. Without faith, what’s going on? I mean, what the hell is in my head all day long? I imagine that those who have faith carry it around with them like travel scrabble (but more intense and spiritual) in their heads and they can just dip into it when there’s nothing else going on. That’s why they’re so positive! So I can see why having faith is beneficial, although I don’t really know what the ‘faithful’ do when they have it. Suggestions on a postcard, please.
When I think about who or what I have faith in, the answer is more straightforward: my family. They never let me down, and I accept the barbed comments and snide looks as the penance I must do to bask in their reflected perfection. Otherwise, I have faith in the things that I love, but not always my ability to do them. So I guess that I don’t have a lot of faith in myself, which probably influences my ability to have faith in anything else, which in turn is probably a legacy of my ‘yellow car’ days. If you don’t believe in your talent to do the job, you have to lean on totems, don’t you?
Undoubtedly, if I had more faith in myself, rather than the travel scrabble in the sky, I would run faster, be published and have better hair. Because I’d put in the time and effort. It’s easier to sit on the sofa and think nasty thoughts about people who are doing the work, then do the work.
Do you ever write a post that comes so painfully close to the truth that as you write it, it feels like a hot potato in your throat? This was one. Back to the drawing board….
Stefanie Moore 