So I’m trying to write more monologues at the moment for no apparent reason other than the world is tough and it can be hard to commit to something longer. Here’s one, anyway, called Mudslides.
Cassie (mid 20s) is sitting on the sofa with a remote control in her hand.
Cassie: I got stuck in a mudslide once. Yeah. El Salvador. I turned around and this .. just this wave of shit was cascading down the road. Anyhow – I mean I was wasted – but I did manage to scrabble away and then I lay down and I looked up at this big scab of a sky and I thought …
I’m going to write a blog post about this…
And I did. It was called ‘Live It’ and it was about the mudslide and how exhilarating and rare these near death moments are.
I mean – I lost a flip flop that day, not my house. But still – 3257 likes in two days – that says as much about you as it does me. So I kept pumping it out and then I got my first deal – posing with vegan running shoes, then cork yoga mats, an an organic lip filler. All in six months.
And it means that 2 years later I’m now, well I was, the kind of woman who leaves her flat in the morning to go to another house that isn’t mine that has a beautiful bottle green kitchen so that I can pose holding a griddle pan like a newborn, extolling the powers of apple cider vinegar. Or in down dog explaining the wellness of breath. I tell nearly 1 million people how to be almost as good as me.
So you’re thinking that’s it then, the mudslide, that’s the moment that changed her, smug get.
The mudslide made me, but it didn’t change me. I was already a smug get.
The moment that changed me came about ten days ago. I’m standing in the garden of the hired house dressed in a white linen smock and I’m talking to the camera.
Talking about tea tree oil. And how fulfilling it is to grow tea tree plants and then use them to distill your own oil and then to use this oil to tackle cellulite.
Now this, this is when I snapped to. I could hear myself telling people to grow a plant, a beautiful and complex thing, in order to destroy it, in order to rub it on their own arse cheeks, just so that they could be their ‘best selves’ and by best I was definitely implying their thinnest, no question. And all the time the planet was shifting beneath me and there were probably mudslides going on somewhere so I – yeah just like that – I stopped talking and went home and I haven’t been out since.
I’ve got through three series of Law and Order since then. Hashtag proud. And the only post I’m interested in getting is the leaflets from pizza places or … no. That is the only post I’m interested in getting.
There’s 20 seasons of Law and Order to watch. In yesterday’s tracksuit. And let’s face it – no-one’s life is worse for me not telling them about tea tree oil and arse cheeks, is it?