anxiety – Stefanie Moore

Tell me if THIS is weird

Do you have images from films or books that stick in your head? For years afterwards? I don’t mean the collective, iconic ‘you’ll find me on the back wall of a Planet Hollywood restaurant’ kind of image – but the weird little private ones, that maybe only you will remember. One image that I always have lodged in a mind-crevice is that of Danni Minogue tossing a salad from a Smash Hits annual, circa 1992 (this must have been a receptive time for me – I also recall Annie Lennox’s advice to always wear rubber gloves when doing housework from the same edition). Going back further, I retain ‘up there’ *gestures at brain* a cartoon from a pictorial version of Robin Hood, of a squirrel, dressed in Lincoln Green, holding a log aloft like a muscle man. I think I was in love with this squirrel (call me if you’re reading this, k?) Anyone else do this?

Just me, then.

A less idiosyncratic moment that I come back to again and again is a scene in Network by Sidney Lumet. Which, if you haven’t seen, you should. In fact, stop reading this and do it now. It’s on Netflix. I’ll wait.

Good.

So now you know that it’s about an embattled news anchor who loses his shit. you probably also know the moment that lodges in my head (thought maybe not, if you were looking for squirrels with logs) which is when Peter Finch as Howard Beale the news anchor yells ‘I’m mad as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore!’

I feel this moment so hard. Especially today. For I too am mad as hell and not going to take it anymore and I have demonstrated this in the strongest of ways.

Firstly, I whispered ‘Dickhead’ at a car that nearly ran me over. Secondly, I enquired in a very nice text (which ended with a ‘x’) as to why I hadn’t been paid for some work that I’d done.

And these milky reasons make me want to do an even bigger Peter Finch as Howard Beale the new anchor out of the window. Because I’m mad as hell at myself.

I know – I’m laidback, but I’m laidback for the wrong reasons – not because I’m easygoing – but because I will literally punch myself in the head before I confront a situation with deeds or words. As a freelancer, I know I need to rep myself much much better than this – but I have, for years, erred on the side of self deprecation. I do not take myself seriously. May I add that in the second case, where I’m waiting for payment, that I have had my hours cut without consultation? So I have gone from earning peanuts to earning the bits of peanuts that fall off in the bottom of the bag – and not even that, if the current situation persists.

I need another image to put in my head, one that sticks. I’ve tried Ripley (too tall), Michael Douglas in Falling Down (too aggro), Furiousa from Mad Max (too much and I’m a terrible driver). I don’t want to be Howard Beale yelling at the world. I need a better fit and I’m open to suggestions.

Quick – Before the Monkeys Get Me!

It has been a while, hasn’t it? And honestly, if I had to compile a ‘greatest hits of 2018’, even if i combined it with ‘wackiest nights out’ and the ‘memorable moments’ package, there wouldn’t be enough to fill an ad break. For clarity, I should add that no one has actually approached me to put this together, so don’t worry, you won’t have to watch it.

So what happened this year? Not a lot that is not solely attached to motherhood and while this is, yes, a big part of me and what I do, it is not the entirety of me. And now, as we shudder and jolt into December, one eye glued to the screen for news of Britain’s impending Brexit shaped implosion, the other scoping out black Friday deals, is there time for all this distraction to get a good thing going?

And it would appear, yes. I have momentum! I am writing again, not as part of Nanowrimo (although I salute all brave souls who are) but I just picked up a pen, chose a title, thought ‘this will probably be a bit shit’ and started writing! And you know what, it was a bit shit! But it was writing! And I have kept this going for the past two weeks. I’ve submitted some flash and I’m working on an application for a mentoring programme. I’ve become much less precious about what I’m working on. Lightness of touch is everything, although a creeping doubt has started to set in . My brain is run by a panel of monkeys in lab coats who throw out suggestions, instructions or queries at random – most often ‘You suck!’ ‘What even is this?’, ‘Why?’ or ‘Your kid hates you’. Which I, for reasons unbeknownst, then take as gospel. So, I am fully expecting the panel of monkeys in lab coats to wake up soon – I’ve never had such a long run without their toxic input – and my question is – how do I keep going? I can’t get rid of them, so how can I circumvent their meddling and keep the pen on the page? Writers, please let me know how you do this because I am sure that I’m not the only one out there. All suggestions taken very seriously and will be followed to the tee.

Insert meaning here

There’s not much in my head today, but I’ve turned up at the page: Day 6 of my challenge to write every day to turn up, to turn up, to turn up at the page. Now I’m here, the only thing that I want to write down is this quote from Anais Nin:

” You live out the confusions until they become clear. “

I love this quote, because I feel as if I have to live it out in order to understand it. Are confusions like anxiety, something that we are trapped within, until we find a resolution? Or is it more positive, does it mean that we must process and observe our confusions in order to resolve them?

I’m still brooding on this one … I may be some time …