Noises Off Experiment: Day 3
Ah.
Like Jon Snow, I’ve hit a bit of a wall (as has that probably now-overused metaphor). Audio fast day two did not end well, and in the most surprising way. I went to meditation class at the local Buddhist Centre, a wonderful and benevolent resource in the middle of Manchester, a class that I often attend and in the normal run of things, something that provides an oasis in the week. But my current detox seems to have turned everything on its head.
“Tonight we’re going to go through the Loving Kindness, or Metta Bhavana meditation” said Kevin (admittedly not a superficially Buddhist-y title, but I’m sure he has another one that he’s too modest to use during seminars). I’ve done this meditation before and it’s lovely; you focus on a different person for each of the five stages and wish them happiness and health. The challenge is that the penultimate stage you must send out good wishes to someone you find difficult. Well, it was a barfight in my mind! The silence and concentration around me magnified my thoughts, turning them into a polyphony of sounds stretching back to the start of the day to the chiropractors appointment that I had cancelled and forwards all the way to weighing up potential problems with my summer holiday. The more I turned attention to my breathing, the harder my mind distracted me, the mental equivalent of this:
I know a song that can get on your nerves
Get on your nerves,
Get on your nerves,
Get on your nerves,
I know a song that can get on your nerves
And this is how it goes:
I know a song etc etc till you fall down screaming.
Loving Kindness turned into Ire and Spite: I failed to think a singularly nice thought about anyone and although Kevin has said that this happens and it’s okay, just observe the thoughts and let them go, I couldn’t! Which was the aim of this week. Ay me.
Subsequently, my ears are now craving a ditty, a jingle, a tune to give me respite from my thoughts and allow me to vacate the old headspace. Meditation class last night showed me how frustrating and fraught living in my head is and how difficult simple can be.
4 to go ….
Stefanie Moore 