Writer’s bitch

It’s devillishly personal and impossible to explain to anyone else.  This is because I have writer’s block which is a) devillishly personal and b) writer’s block which means that I can’t express it or indeed anything very well (witness this sentence).


My writer’s block is accompanied by a grave case of self doubt.  The bitchface inner critic is perched on her bony arse in my left ear, waiting to pick up on any phrase I spin forth and critique it in her bland, repetitive, empty way.  She seizes up on the irrelevant and builds them into something significant.  As I typed ‘like’, I accidentally punched in “liek”.  Bitchface was straight on it, taking it as a sign of my blanket failings as a writer.  Bitchface is about 12 years old and a total asshole.


I wouldn’t mind if she were witty, but she isn’t.  She is purely there to destroy any shreds of hope I have in my writing at the moment.  Very often she will simply repeat a phrase in a whiny voice and add nothing to it.  And by Jiminy is she powerful; she has even now wrapped her vines around my tentative google searches for inspiration in the guise of writing competitions or forums.  Her ‘what’s the point’ mantra’ is winning hands down at the moment.

I’m beginning to think that she has something going on with Writer’s block because they’re always together.  I don’t trust them.  If so, bitchface definitely wears the pants in their relationship; if it were just Writer’s Block on his own, big solid stump of blank that he is, I think I could win him round.  But she always shows up and sticks the boot in.  Writer’s Block might even be quite helpful if he were on his own and I could just …contemplate him for a while.  But it’s never just him.  They’re a couple, I’m sure.


I hate Bitchface.  She spoils everything and I’m not even kidding.  She is making my life hell at the moment.  According to her I am terrible at everything I try and deserve to fail. I’m a rotten teacher, with no social life (deservedly) and no chance of being happy and creative and successful.  Ever.  In stronger moments I’ve tried exorcising her, but it never works. 


Bitchface has read all of this and you would think that she would be happy with this paean to her ways.  But she isn’t.  She has complained about my lack of adjectives and lack of stylisticpunch.  For this is how she rolls.


Bitchface 1 Nefny 0